Chaos in China
by Dragon Scales 13
Summary: It's about Diao Chan, Lu Bu, and a slew of characters in China! See for yourself! Has a plotline! ... Somewhere.
1. Diao Chan Leaving? Hey, what's wrong?

* Chaos in China!! *  
  
Lu Bu looked out the window of his palace, watching the rain beat down the windowpane. In the dimly lit room, books were scattered about in no particular order. Maps and diagrams littered the tables, and various papers were left crumpled on the floor. Lu Bu gently unfolded a letter for the sixth hundredth time, so that he can once again read what Diao Chan has left him.  
  
Dear Lu Bu,  
  
You fought with honor against Dong Zhuo. Although I'd love to stay with you, and enjoy the rewards of our victory, I must leave you. I may never see you again, but please, do not look for me. I'm afraid that it will only tear you apart because you'll never find me, no matter how hard you try. Lu Bu, all I can do for you know is to follow your heart. Follow your dreams, Lu Bu, and become a great ruler. Please, Lu Bu, do so if not for the kingdom, then for me. These people have faced enough tyranny and are in desperate need of peace. Although you'll have to change your ways of a warrior, Lu Bu, your genius will help you see the road to a peaceful glory. Good bye, Lu Bu, and follow your heart in times of need.  
  
-Diao Chan  
  
Lu Bu took a deep breath. 'Diao Chan,' he thought. 'I know naught why you had to go, or where you are now, but my heart tells me to follow you. And, I will heed to its calling. Diao Chan. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, and farther if necessary. But I have no lead. I've been in check with all the kingdoms, but I don't have a clue. I've even checked with the rival kingdoms. Except.' Lu Bu shot up from his chair. He knew whom he had to see, even if he wasn't exactly pleased with it. "Zhou Yun!"  
  
Diao Chan stopped her red horse, named the Rose Rabbit. Actually, the Rose Rabbit was Red Hare's mate. She soon found a river, and took the mare for a drink. Diao Chan sat back and thought about the situation. 'Okay. There is a curse following me, and Lu Bu is in danger. Plus, I. Oh, great, I can't admit it to myself! I. like him. There. So I have to run away. Good grief, Diao Chan, why does trouble always follow you?' She heard a rattle in the woods. She turned around, and falls unconscious. There, a short red-haired man in green stood, holding a giant box of Lucky Charms. "Opps, those aren't the crazy pests after me Lucky Charms! It's a Lu Bu officer! Oh my!" He picked her up and ran into the woods. The Rose Rabbit chased the strange man, thinking that he was a moving stalk of grass.  
  
Diao Chan awoke to a pair of great big green eyes, whose owner promptly fell on the floor, victim to a groin kick. "Ouchie." Diao Chan looked around. 'Where am I?' Lucky got up. "Okay, that hurt. Now, what the hell are you doing in my woods??" Diao Chan stared blankly at him. "Yours?" Lucky paced back and forth. "Yes, mine. Can I help you?" Diao Chan nodded. "Yes, do you know where The Namans live?" Lucky stopped walking, and turned around. "Yeah, but they have the people of heaven there. Trouble them, they'll trouble you." Diao Chan nodded. "Yes, thank you very much. I should get going. Good bye." Lucky started. "Hold on a second!" He held out a needle. "You'd be great for experiments, wouldn't you??" Diao Chan's eyes widened and she ran out the door and into the woods. "Rose Rabbit!" The mare heard her master's call. Rose dashed to Diao Chan and Diao Chan jumped on. They ran of into the woods, getting away from a mad man with a Lucky Charms box. Lucky's cries were sounded behind them. "PLEASE COME BACK! YOU'RE THE 16th PERSON TO RUN FOR IT! IT'S JUST ACID AND LEMON JUICE!"  
  
~~~~ Yeah, I bet THAT'S SAFE TO HAVE IN YOUR BLOOD!! Fopr every chapter, I'll include atleast one character that everyone should know, from either shows, games, my muses, or just a house hold thing, like Lucky. Tell me how it is, will ya???? REVIEW PLEASE!!! 


	2. Lu Bu and a crazy girl Trust me, it's l...

Lu Bu galloped into the night, with his trusty Red Hare. 'Where can she be?' The dense woods were horrible. The trees clumped together, the moonlight couldn't get in except the faintest glimmer, and there seemed to be eyes everywhere. Shaking his head, Lu Bu moved on, finding a pond for his Red Hare to drink. "Here Red Hare. You have done well. Take your drink." The horse drank quietly, noticing his owner's concerned face. Lu Bu thought again. "Okay, now how am I going to get there through the dense woods?" A rustle behind the bush caused Red Hare's ears to shoot up. Lu Bu gripped his weapon tightly and moved forward. Inch by painful inch, the target was closer. And closer. Even closer! Lu Bu poked with his halberd, and heard a yelp. He reached in and pulled the person out.  
  
It was a little girl with red hair in braids. 'RED HAIR???' Red Hare shuffled closer to the strange girl, prodding her with his nose. Then, the girl whinnied and grunted in return! 'What the hell.?' Lu Bu dropped the girl on her feet and looked at her. "Do you speak Chinese?" The child smiled and answered. "Yes. I am Eliza Thornberry, and I can talk to animals-" Lu Bu, impatient to get started on his journey. "Yes, I saw that. Have you seen a woman with a large bow, black hair, sash on her waist, and white dress?" Eliza thought this over. "Well, I heard Lucky curse someone like that. And the animals have been saying she went." Eliza pointed down river. "This way. I gotta find some friends of my own. See you later!" Eliza swam to the other bank, waved, and left into the dense forest. 'Hopefully not. What a strange girl.' Lu Bu headed down river the Red Hare, who seemed quite happy to leave too. 'Man, how could she say that I'm a stupid horse?? Her brain is smaller than a cock roach!! Crazy bitch!' Shaking this thought, Red Hare plodded on, in search of his mate.  
  
As Lu Bu moved on, he heard the cry of an animal in danger. He decided to just plod on, in search of his friend. yeah, right. FRIEND. Well, more like he TRIED to move on. until a chimp landed on him. "Ahh!" Lu Bu and Red Hare, startled, bucked back, knocking the chimp unconscious. Then, a strange jungle boy bit poor Red Hare in the ass, causing him to kick out a leg and conk him out too. "Thank the gods that that's over." Sorry Lu Bu, but not quite. Because who decides to pop up again? Only Eliza Thornberry. Eliza, trampling through the woods and screaming their names like her butt was on fire, realized what Lu Bu accidentally did to her comrades. The result? NOT PRETTY. "WHAT DID YOU DO???" Her hair stuck up like a Super Saiyan's and turned silver. Next thing Lu Bu knew, he was running away from crazy energy blasts and Eiliza's Kung Fu. Red Hare tossed his owner on it's back and ran like hell was after them. "COME BACK HERE!!!" Needless to say, they didn't.  
  
~DS: How come there aren't any female Super Saiyans anyway? Does Pan do that, or Bra? WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY/SHITTY NAMES ARE THOSE??? _ Oh well. REVIEW!~ 


	3. Eat SKITTLES, biatch!

Chaos in China: **Taste the Rainbow, _biatch_**!

Diao Chan's POV

Diao Chan was normally a very optimistic person. When things went horribly wrong in Dong Zhuo's army, generals could always rely on her happier tones of music to cheer them up. When times got hard in Lu Bu's army, she found a way to cheer everyone up, utilizing her talents.

But after a disastrous escape from Lu Bu, a run-in with a deranged leprechaun, and a short-but-painful run-in with a freakishly powerful pre-teen who managed to upset Rose Rabbit before taking to the skies, Diao Chan had to admit that this was easily the worst escape attempt she's ever heard of.

Somehow, though, Diao Chan knew that she had a way to go yet, and that thought effectively killed any hint of perkiness that always seemed to made its way into her soul.

Yup, by sending her on this journey, the gods have brutally killed Diao Chan's inner child. Bill Gates would be hard-pressed to induce the sort of grim determination Diao Chan now has to see this through, even with its ludicrous claims and directions.

But, as Takeda Shingen once said, "Misfortune comes in droves."

"OMG," someone screeched, nearly catapulting Diao Chan into space as Rose Rabbit tried to stave off her fear, "Its da witch!111!"

"Whur? Were!" called another, the hoarse, harsh symbols and syllables shattering Diao Chan's delicate eardrums, "I wana sea!"

Out of nowhere, a flash of hot pink and what was possibly the tightest leather suit in China jumped out onto the forest road, this time really sending Diao Chan to meet the earth as Rose bucked uncontrollably.

"She's dwn! She iz downn! We r L33t11!(elite)" Another voice screeched out in the most savage and grammarless show of pain Diao Chan ever had the dishonor of hearing before suddenly finding herself levitating by some unknown forces as the flash of blaringly painful pink flicked behind her and bound her hands with some insanely hard metal that should have cut off all circulation to her fingers, but didn't.

"Shayrayfrahamabahamamomma," called the pink agony, "great job levitating the baddie and saving Lou Boo!"

_.. Was that supposed to be Lu Bu?_

For a moment in Diao Chan's mind, time froze. From the earth below her came the passionate screaming of thousands upon thousands of literature masters, from poets to writers, as they heard the easy slaughter and bashing of the greatest works, sullied by the two girls. The men and women from across the ages twisted and turned in their graves and tombs, roiling in unparalleled torture as each and every grammatical error was made, the misspellings abound, twisting and crying in their deaths, until they were hoarse, oh were they hoarse- with the power and deafening qualities of their cries and pleas, spinning and spinning as they wept for their native tongue, until every author became a top, rotating and spinning and turning in their grave, oh how they turned, screeching like the souls of human tops as they begged and pleaded for the insanity to stop- Oh, make the pain STOP-

And then the moment passed, leaving Diao Chan breathless and sweating as the nightmare passed before her very eyes, the echo in her ears the only proof that it had ever occurred.

To her dismay, the two heard nothing, and went right along ruthlessly stabbing their own sentences.

"wi are such gud writerrs," cooed the coral wonder, "who dah thunk it?" Diao Chan involuntarily flinched. Somewhere in her mind, her grammar school teacher was sobbing…

"Yea, Lubusk8terhater145687, ur write." Shayray-something-or-other cried back- she was obviously unable to speak in a normal tone, "Now we haf rubo-" Diao Chan flinched again, " 2 urselfs-"

"Terrible," a voice said indignantly, a fine, perhaps feminine tone scoffed. "Such a savage abuse of the Chinese language shall not go unpuni-"

"ewwwwww, its da fa-"

"Your so ugly, and sow unkewl-"

"That's it," the familiar voice snapped, "BEAUTIFUL!" A cascade of butterflies assaulted the authors with the fury of allergies on a spring day, attacking their nostrils with pollen and the dreaded ragweed.

"Noo," shouted the LuBu fan girl as she tried vainly to hold back the flood of mucus, "I'm two guod to loose!"

"U wil neaver wun, Zhen hay." Shay something stood tall and furious, pointedly ignoring the snot running from her nose, "you ga-"

It was then they heard it. It was a simple rainbow before, not uncommon by the rainfall they've experiencing this week, but not anymore. It was a BIG rainbow, an impossibly big rainbow. Actually, it kinda looked as if it would-

Plick! Plick! Tink! Ping! The hard multicolored missiles rained down with an unholy vengeance, wildly pouring out its sweet, sugary dose of fury from the heavens, striking whoever was foolish enough to stare up at a massive, imposing rainbow and not go running for the mountains.

"OMFGWTH/WTFBBQBLEEPPWNED!1111" The fan girl bowed over and cried for a bit, nursing brand-spanking new shiner in both her eyes.

"what, they r supposed 2 b soft and chuey…"

Obviously, someone hasn't been outside to civilization in the past few years.

"Run," called Shay as she bulldozed through the foliage, actually saying something that didn't make Diao Chan cry to herself. Her writer in crime waded through the underbrush with a little more caution, still occasionally crashing into trees, horses, and people as she scrambled for cover.

As soon as they were gone, the hail of condensed rainbow power stopped, leaving a three-inch high sugar hazard for miles around.

Zhang He sighed. "I don't suppose you're hungry…"

/ That ends Chapter 3. It wasn't my best, but I couldn't resist the classic fan girls and the loss of grammatical correction… I don't mind a few mistakes, but there's a limit to how many errors you can make per sentence…./


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